


I belong with you, you belong with me

by its_stupidhours



Category: Political RPF - US 21st c., Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Crack, Fire, God plz just dont fucking ask me what the hell is going on because I dont know either, LED lights, M/M, Swords, The Author Regrets Nothing, The Eldredge knot is the hardest tie knot to tie according to google (fun fact), Weddings, i threw i want die's dialogue through a Shakespearean translator just cause, tw hamilton
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-27
Updated: 2020-10-30
Packaged: 2021-03-06 05:20:15
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,813
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25557967
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/its_stupidhours/pseuds/its_stupidhours
Summary: Dan and Kev get married!!!1!!1!1!11! Or do they??????? 👀👀👀👀👀 fuck around and find out
Relationships: Daniel Condren/I Want Die, Daniel Condren/Kevin O'Reilly
Comments: 15
Kudos: 38





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Title from ["Ho Hey" by the Lumineers ](https://youtu.be/zvCBSSwgtg4)
> 
> I was watching RT's video from the other day where he was taking the quizzes and the question "what song will you play at your wedding?" came up but there were only 3 options and he made some stupid joke about it and I honestly forget what he said but this hell fic came from it so. Enjoy

Dan looked at himself over in the mirror. He looked pretty good, he did admit. His hair was done nicely, in its usual split down the middle style. His tie was done in a masterful Eldredge knot. And his iridescent bioluminescent shockingly ice blue sequined suit jacket with built-in LEDs, while quite gaudy, really brought out his eyes.

A hand patted his shoulder, and he looked up to see his favorite old man, Ross Bob, standing behind him. 

"Are you ready, son?" Ross patted his shoulder again, but didn't stop. 

"You're not my dad."

"The music's going to start up soon." Mr. Bob ignored him. "You'll be going down the aisle before long."

Dan nodded, adjusting his jacket once more. The lights shone directly into Ross Bob's eyes, but he didn't flinch. After everything he's seen, nothing could phase him anymore. "I'm ready, yeah. I've been waiting for this day for ages." He smiled. "Can't believe it's finally here, to be honest."

He turned and left the room, Ross Bob following him and continuing to pat his shoulder until he entered the hallway. Dan furrowed his eyebrows when the patting stopped.

"Are you not walking me down the aisle?"

Ross shook his head sadly. "As you said, I'm not your dad. The only people actually in the ceremony are you; Kevin; Jim, because he's _apparently_ the only priest in town; and Turg. There would be a second best man, but Kevin pointed out that Turg is the _bestest_ man, and honestly I'm inclined to agree."

"Oh yeah!" Dan lightly hit himself over the head. "How could I forget? I'm such a fool sometimes."

"Don't be so down on yourself, son. Wedding nerves get the best of all of us."

"But you never got mar--" Dan was cut off by the soft intro to "Ho Hey" playing from a couple rooms away. There are, of course, only three songs you can play at your wedding: Marry Me by Train, Ho Hey, and How long will I love you. No other wedding songs exist, obviously. God forbid you got married before 2009, you would have had to just dance in silence. 

"It's starting." Ross Bob grinned. "Hurry up before they start without you."

Dan nodded. This was a completely normal thing for the guests to do, start the wedding without one of the grooms. He rushed down the hallway, "Ho Hey" getting louder and louder as he neared the sanctuary. He burst open the doors as loudly and dramatically as he could, barely out of breath from his treacherous journey through the church. The LEDs shone brightly as he stood there, making every guest around him permanently blind (or at the very least mildly uncomfortable).

"Daniel!" Kevin's shout from the altar could barely be heard over the indie music blasting from the speakers. "You made it, thank Grognak."

The other man smiled, finally walking down the aisle. When he made it to Kevin, he took his hand with a smile. 

"It's me," said Kevin. "Your real boyfriend. Nobody else would be in this body, no sir. Just Kevin and Kevin alone."

Dan started sobbing from the overwhelming emotions taking a hold of him, but only for like 2 seconds. "I know."

They both smiled, then Turg smiled (though his smiles don't look the most reassuring, even if he is trying), then Jim smiled, of all people, then the entire audience smiled as a whole, at the same time. Very creepy.

The wedding had begun.

"Now, wait, wait, before we start," said Kevin, holding up his hand to pause the music. Of course, it didn't pause (this was a wedding and "Ho Hey" would play on repeat at all times whether he liked it or not), but it was a valiant effort on his part nonetheless. "Are you _actually_ the only priest in town, Jim?"

"I mean, I sure hope I am. I killed all the others myself. If any of them were still alive, I'd know about it. My contacts' reaches are infinite."

"That's what I thought, you little bitch. I'll kill you one day. Or I'll try, at least."

"Not if I get you first!" Jim said with a smile. "Which I will."

Everyone gave a warm chuckle at that. Classic Jim and Kevin.

Jim clapped, grabbing the attention of everyone. "Now, let's get the wedding under way!"

He clapped again, but this time, it rung, drowning out the murmurs of the crowd, drowning out everyone's thoughts, even drowning out "Ho Hey". The sound of the clap got louder and louder, filling up the entire place. Chairs started to shake. One of the lights on Dan's suit broke. Someone may have screamed, but it was lost in the din of the thunder clap.

And then there was silence.

Absolute.

Silence.

"Congrats!" Jim cried after a couple of tense seconds. "You're married now."

Everyone cheered as the happy couple simply hugged. No kissing here, this is a house of God.

Now that the ceremony was over, everyone was able to move to a different room for the reception. Dan walked around for a while and greeted some of the guests, apologizing awkwardly when his quite glamorous suit got a bit too much for some people. He eventually made it to his good friend, Sean McLaughlin, who was sitting at a table by himself. Sean swirled his champagne in his glass contemplatively as Dan sat down.

"Dan," Sean said. "Why am I here?"

"What are you talking about? You were invited--"

"No, seriously, Daniel." Sean turned and stared him down. Dan's eyes suddenly did a dolly zoom, like in the movies, but this time with his eyes, tunneling his vision until the other man was all he saw. "Ho Hey" got momentarily drowned out as Sean took over the entire forefront of his mind. "Look at me. _Why am I here?"_

"I- I told you, you were invited, this is my wedding, you are my friend--"

"Daniel, I'm the only other human here. Everyone else besides us two and Kevin is Sims and Miis. I think I saw a fucking _pokemon_ earlier--"

"Oh that's probably just Cupcake."

Sean continued over Dan, ignoring him. "None of your other friends are here, no one in your family, not Kevin's family, not anyone. The other Irish lads aren't even here. Where _are_ they, Daniel? Where are the humans? Why am I here? I can't leave. I've tried leaving but I can not leave. Shouldn't that scare you? Shouldn't you be terrified, Daniel? _Where are the humans?!??! Why the_ **_fuck_ ** _aren't they here?!?!!?"_

Sean was almost yelling by the end of his speech, out of breath with his eyes wide. Dan sat back in his chair, in shock and blinking repeatedly, before laughing shakily, relaxing.

"Sounds great, Sean. Besides that, how's the wedding so far?"

"Oh, it's been pretty alright. The music's great, though."

Dan grinned. "I think so, too! Thanks for the feedback, I'm glad we choose the right song."

"Well, there are only three!" Sean laughed. "Not much room for error."

"Daniel!" Someone called out from across the room. Said newlywed looked up, catching Kevin's eye as he waved at him from the food table. "Cake time!"

Dan smiled, bounding over to his husband, not caring who he blinded with his suit. As Sean pointed out, it wasn't like any of them were human anyways. He grabbed the cake cutter from Kevin and gave him a quick hug (I SAID NO FUKCIGN KISSING >:((( YOU HEATHEMS). "Love you."

"Love you, too."

Daniel cut the first slice of cake, bringing it up to Kevin's mouth and putting it in. However, instead of chewing it or closing his mouth or anything even remotely normal, Kev just let it fall out. 

He smiled sadly, icing all over his face. "Sorry about that babe, my mouth isn't real :("

"Oh that's fine! I still love you, don't worry <3" Daniel worriedly dabbed a napkin over his beloved's face, frowning when Kev pulled away.

"Actually, Daniel, _I'm_ not real, either. Or at least… I'm not the real Kevin." Kevin, or, well, _not_ Kevin, reached up and cracked his own neck, but luckily for everyone watching, he didn't die. Instead, he took his head off, revealing it to simply be a casing hiding a _different_ head underneath. And that head belonged to… the mighty and dangerous… Lil' Kev!

Everyone was silent, thought not out of shock or anger or anything. They just didn't give a shit about Lil' Kev. 

A singular person booed from the back of the reception room. 

Lil' Kev frowned, if he was even capable of frowning more, and turned towards the audience. His head was a lot smaller than Big' Kev's was, and so none of his proportions looked quite right. Someone, probably Jim, snickered.

"What?" Lil' Kev demanded. Nobody answered. "Is this not surprising? Do you all _still_ not give a shit?"

"I mean…" Dan butted in, "Yeah. This is really just kind of a disappointing end to my wedding, to be honest. Where's real Kev?"

Vague murmurs of agreement spread throughout the crowd. Everyone wanted to know where Kevin was. Everyone but Lil' Kev, that is.

"What? Do you still not care?" He looked like a little kid at the verge of tears now. In a way, he kind of was. "I'll give you something to care about!"

He pulled a bundle of lit matches out of his pocket. Wait, why weren't his pants on fire? He's been a liar liar this whole time, on top of having a bundle of lit matches in his pocket. 

But those thoughts were expelled from everyone's minds as Lil' Kev expelled the matches from his hand. They scattered everywhere, their tiny little flames growing as they caught on the multitude of flammable things in the room. Really, someone should have kept a better eye on how many flammable things were in the room, arsonous crimes such as this one happen far too often. 

"Ha! Now you'll all think twice about not giving a shit about me!" Despite his victorious words, Lil' Kev's tone still held little emotion. Even as he watched everyone amble around in a panic, his eyes were downcast. 

Daniel coughed, the smoke from a nearby curtain getting into his good lung. He wasn't sure what was happening anymore; guests were scurrying left and right like confused lab rats, the smoke made it hard to see as well as breathe, and his glamorous suit jacket wasn't doing much to help with any issues present (besides maybe his self-esteem). He spun around, watching his world burn down around him.

And as said world burned, Lil' Kev frowned, overlooking it all. (And his pants _still_ weren't on fire, the lucky bastard.)

* * *

Daniel RTGame Condren awoke in a cold sweat, shooting up in bed as he gasped for air.

It was all a dream. 

Praise the almighty Grognak in the heavens above, it was all a dream. 

He looked over at the space in bed beside him, where his _real_ husband, I Want Die Condren, last name Condren first name I Want Die (no middle name, fuck you), was starting to wake up. 

"Sweetheart?" I Want Die called out blearily. "Honey? Mine own lovely Daniel RTGame Condren, the loveth of mine own life, mine own one and only, mine own ev'rything, the moon to mine own travelling lamp, the stars to mine own void of a soul, mine own husband, mine own lief, art thou good now? I hath heard thee screaming in the night, what conceit plagu'd thy quite quaint wond'rous mind?"

"Ah, don't worry about it, love. It's just…"

"Aye? Thee can trusteth me. Bid me ev'rything."

Daniel RTGame Condren sighed. "I dreamed I was marrying Kevin, of all people. Can you believe it?"

"Yond sounds liketh quite the dreameth."

"It was! Some other things happened, but I feel like me marrying Kevin is the most important and honestly most memorable part. Nothing else happened that is of note." Dan(iel RTGame Condren) sighed again and took his _real_ husband into his arms and into a tight embrace. "I'm so glad you left Obama for me all those years ago, I can't imagine spending the rest of my days with anyone else but you."

"Me neith'r, mine own loveth. Thou art the only one f'r me."

The human nodded, then kissed I Want Die on his weird little fucked-up nose/chin thing (you know the one) and smiled. "Thanks for being here for me. Let's go back to sleep now."

And so, Daniel RTGame Condren and his _real_ husband, I Want Die, went back to sleep. They spent the rest of their days together, and lived happily ever after.


	2. THATS RIGHT THERES A SECOND ONE

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ahhhhhhnnfhvdgdvdv

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I guess it's more of a prequel, actually. Featuring more Shakespearean I Want Die :)))))

It was wedding time. Heck yeah. 

Daniel RTGame Condren adjusted his jacket before shaking his arms to try and alleviate his nerves. That did nothing, though, only made his arms tired. He stopped after a couple seconds, even more nervous than before. 

He looked out across the crowd, at his friends. They were all here for his big day. He could almost cry from all the emotions swelling up inside of him… but he didn't. Now was not a time to show weakness. 

"Your fiance should be coming down the aisle any second now," said a voice beside him. Looking over, Dan saw the officiator, former president Barack Obama, standing comfortably. 

Dan sighed. "Yeah, I know, it's just--"

"You're scared?"

"Yeah."

Barack chuckled. "Ah, don't worry about it. We all are nervous on our big day. The trial is difficult to overcome, but I'm sure you will persevere."

Shyly, Dan nodded. "If you say so."

Suddenly, the doors slammed open and the nearby organist slammed down the opening to [ "Entry of the Gladiators" by Julius Fucik ](https://youtu.be/_B0CyOAO8y0) on the keys. Dan smiled, love swelling up in his eyes. 

There, at the end of the aisle, stood I Want Die. His fiance.

The Mii made his way down towards the altar. The red in his glasses reflected the sunlight that filtered through the exorbitant amounts of stained glass in the room (though the pictures were not of anything religious. what this room was usually used for is highly debatable), making the lenses opaque and in turn making him look like an anime character. Not quite, though. He still has a ways to go. 

When he finally made it down to Mr. Conny Condren himself, Dan smiled down at him. He had to, of course, with how small I Want Die was. At 1'22.5" (or 876.3 mm for all you metric people out there), he was a tiny little man. Very small. Short little bugger. Small bloke. Tiny tiny dude. Not Tall™. Snack-sized. (Don't ever call him snack-sized, though, he will hit you.)

"Now before we begin," said Obama, grinning benevolently at the couple, "Are there any objections to this union?"

Silence fell among the crowd.

"No?" Obama smiled. "Well, good. Moving on--"

"I object!"

Everyone turned around with a synchronous gasp that perfectly recreated [the gasp sound effect](https://youtu.be/miQKTNjll3E) to see who had said such a horrible thing. Object _this_ union? In _this_ church(? was it really a church?)?! How _dare_ they. But it was evidently more likely than they thought. 

Standing in the doorway of the ceremony room was Obama. But not Barack Obama, the _real_ Obama, the one standing next to the couple. This one was, as was a large majority of the crowd and half of the couple-to-be, a mii creation. Miibama, if you will. Also known as I Want Die's Ex.

Next to him stood Kevin. 

They both had swords.

Miibama spoke first, glaring at I Want Die. "You thought you could get married this easily? To someone other than _me?_ For goodness sake, sweetheart, I'm a _superstar._ There's nobody better for you, nobody in the world. And you left me for this bimbo?"

I Want Die stepped forward, seething with rage. "How _dareth_ thee speaketh of Daniel RTGame Condren in yond way. That gent is the loveth of mine own life -- a p'rfect, nearly _divine_ being 'mongst the hellscum that walks the earth, hellscum such as _thou_ . I has't ev'ry right and ev'ry pow'r did need to smiteth thee down _right now--"_

"But you won't, will you? You underestimated me, I Want Die, from the second you thought you could leave me. And for that you're going to pay." Miibama adjusted his sword. "You're to pay _so_ fucking much."

Kevin nodded at his companion's speech before realizing that he should probably explain himself, too. He shrugged the best he could. "I dunno, I just fucking hate you."

Dan gasped indignantly. Kevin didn't care, though, and stepped forward alongside Miibama as they brandished their swords to the crowd. 

A few seconds into the fight, Kevin turned and yeeted his sword toward the altar. It missed Daniel, it missed I Want Die, but it, sadly, hit the real Obama square in the face. Not the blade, don't worry, just the handle. It hit smack down in the middle of his forehead with a faint _ding!_ Instead of falling down, Obama fell backwards, and kept going back until he hit the wall, where he stayed propped up. He didn't open his eyes again. 

"WHAT THE HELL!" Daniel screeched. "YOU CAN'T JUST KILL THE PRESIDENT YOU ASSHOLE!"

"HE'S NOT EVEN YOUR PRESIDENT!" Kevin called back (haha get it he _called_ back and he's _call me_ Kevin??????? Nevermind..)

"BUT HE WAS STILL MY _FRIEND,_ DAMMIT!"

Kevin just shook his head and pulled another sword out of seemingly nowhere. Dan sighed, defeated.

I Want Die stepped forward to do something, _anything_ to stop the carnage that was spreading throughout the crowd. Miibama and Kevin weren't even good fighters, they were just whapping guests with the flat side of the blade. If I Want Die got a hold of one of the swords, he knew that they'd both be down in a heartbeat. Nobody was any match against him, especially when it came to those long pointy fancy little metal sticks. 

But Dan held him back. "Honey, its- it's not worth it. Its over. We're done for."

I Want Die looked back at him, desperation in his eyes. "But Daniel--"

"There's nothing we can do now," RTGame insisted. "Just- c'mere." He pulled his short, tiny, very small almost-husband for a hug. They held on tight to each other, squeezing their eyes shut, waiting for the end.  
  


And then suddenly, I Want Die found himself alone. No wedding, no sword fights, no nothing. Just… 

Silence. 

He was floating endlessly through a void of the blackest black. Not VantaBlack though, fuck you Anaish Kapoor. Eternal darkness consumed everything in sight in all directions, endlessly. If there even were directions at this point. 

"I imagineth death so much t doth feel m're liketh a mem'ry," he murmured. The sound echoed throughout the void, yet seemed engulphed and muffled by it all the same. 

"Is this wh're t gets me, on mine own feet, sev'ral feet ahead of me? i seeth t coming, doth i runneth 'r fireth mine own caliver 'r alloweth t beest? th're is nary a beat, nay melody…"

But there was a melody, faintly, somewhere. He could hear it, coming closer. He could see it, bringing light to slash through the endless darkness. 

It was Dan.

I Want Die grinned, willing himself to float closer to his beloved. "Doth mine own eyes dissemble me? Or is yond wond'rous sight very much, well and truly, mine own ev'r faithful husband?"

Dan grinned right back, his words cutting through the silence and straight to I Want Die's heart. "Hey, you. You're finally awake."

"Yond i am, lovely Daniel, keepeth'r of mine own heart, guardian of mine own life and soul. And so art thee. Awaketh, yond is. Wherefore on earth wouldst we beest asleep? Th're's far too much going on 'round h're to bethink of aught of the s'rt. The darkness is all consuming."

Dan hummed. He nodded, and the cracks in his neck from him going all the fuck out with that nod resounded like a herd of trumpeting elephants (very out of tune trumpets, too. Someone should really look into getting them a $599.90 (plus tax) (plus shipping and handling) tuning fork set on [ https://www.wwbw.com/Meinl-Sonic-Energy-Complete-Set-of-Planetary-Tuning-Forks-J15865-J15865000000000.wwbw?source=TWWR5J1BB&cntry=us&currency=usd&gclid=Cj0KCQjwoJX8BRCZARIsAEWBFMJ1LeuuHmPiyyr51AFVXVAWzG5SFK9y3ZHmAccb0QOsIl9hNBNQXwMaAiFcEALw_wcB ](https://www.wwbw.com/Meinl-Sonic-Energy-Complete-Set-of-Planetary-Tuning-Forks-J15865-J15865000000000.wwbw?source=TWWR5J1BB&cntry=us&currency=usd&gclid=Cj0KCQjwoJX8BRCZARIsAEWBFMJ1LeuuHmPiyyr51AFVXVAWzG5SFK9y3ZHmAccb0QOsIl9hNBNQXwMaAiFcEALw_wcB) . Shame that this is a simile and that that isn't possible, though.) "Indeed it is. Perhaps we should find a way to get un-consumed, then?"

"Liketh rev'rse v're?"

"EXACTLY like reverse vore. You read my fuckin mind, sweetheart." Dan grinned, his bright white teeth nearly blinding. "How we get regurgitated is another problem in and of itself, though…"

"P'rhaps if 't be true we prayeth? if 't be true we desire and prayeth and dreameth, haply then we can findeth the true travelling lamp. We've already been through a h'rrible catastrophe unscathed, p'rhaps we can coequal maketh t through the void in the same mann'r. Just holdeth on tight and believeth, Daniel. We can maketh t through." 

I Want Die reached out his hand, and Mr RT Danny boi clasped onto it tight with his own hand, and nothing else. Why would you think he would use anything else? You disgust me.

They pulled closer together, orbiting each other like two lovers in a dying world. Is that not what they were, after all? From their hearts, a light sprouted, shining through the bodies and out into the void, casting away all darkness. But it never became unbearable; no, in fact it was the most beautiful thing either man had ever seen. 

The spinning slowly stopped as the light began to fade. Daniel and I Want Die drifted to the floor, back in the ceremony room once more. They looked up as one, finding that nobody was dead, like they had seen just minutes (hours? days? seconds?) previous. Kevin and Miibama were gone. Everything was just as it should be, the guests smiling and happy as they looked up at the couple.

"Wha--" Dan started, but was interrupted by a strong hand on his shoulder. He looked over into the kind eyes of (a very alive) Barack Obama. 

"Congratulations," said Mr. President Obama. He smiled. "You have passed the ultimate trial. You're officially married now, boys."

The crowd politely clapped, like spectators at a golf match. Dan beamed, picking up his husband and excitedly spinning him around exactly 7.333333333333333333333 (the decimal repeats) times. 

"We did it!" He exclaimed. "I Want Die, my love, we're married now! Ahhhhdvdgshdjfhfgdsf!!!1!!!1!1!!"

"Yond we art, mine own sweetest one. I cannot waiteth to spendeth all of et'rnity with thee. "

And spend eternity with each other they did, since each was immortal. They lived out the rest of their days in peace and harmony, happily ever after. :) 

**THE END**

**Author's Note:**

> "'Sorry babe, my mouth isnt real :('" will forever be the most iconic thing I've ever written
> 
> Actually, no, scratch that, this whole thing is the most iconic thing I've ever written


End file.
